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In the F@$%ing News

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Reporter: Zerk Dennis

What would Oscar night be, less the delusional celebrity rants on vital social inequities or ridiculous woke observations? Joaquin Phoenix temporarily left his planet to receive an Oscar for best actor and to deliver some professionally written “words from the heart”.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the distressing issues that we are facing collectively and I think, at times we feel, or were made to feel, that we champion different causes,” Phoenix began. “But for me, I see commonality. I think whether we’re talking about gender inequality or racism or queer rights or indigenous rights or animal rights, we’re talking about the fight against injustice.”

These are the critical subjects that Phoenix must make the world aware of, queer rights, animal rights, gender equality, you know the dire matters that we must address if we hope to procure humanities survival.

Screw the less popular and REAL tragedies such as the fatherless epidemic plaguing America’s most innocent(especially in black communities), the tactical decimation of the nuclear family, or the rampant opiate-deaths thinning out the young white men population across the county.

Phoenix continued: “I think that we’ve become very disconnected from the natural world and many of us, what we’re guilty of is an egocentric world view. A belief that we are the center of the universe.”

Bozo’s like this believe that tree frog habitats are more essential to mankind than managing the plight of homeless drug-addicted bums littering up the streets of L.A. or diligently selecting families for unintended children,  before these beautiful creations are violently ripped from the womb.

University President nabbed for knockin’ boots with Hooker

Jackson State University is frantically searching through Craigslist for a qualified replacement to fill the shoes of Dr. William Bynum, the Universities former President who was shamefully busted paying for sex.

This isn’t Keanu Reeves’ grandmother, she’s his date!

In the “who gives a shit” category, Keanu Reeves’ drags a grey-haired “Olive Oil” to the Academy Awards.

Question of the Day

What’s going to happen when Bernie-o-philes discover that there is no way humanly possible to pay for all the free shit that Sanders is promising?